Funny quotes bring out the hilarious side of life. Enjoy these funny quotes, a laugh and share…
Some funny quotes are short quotes to make you laugh at any time. These funny quotes are by the funniest people in the world.
All generalizations are false, including this one. -Mark TwainWhat’s another word for Thesaurus? -Steven WrightIf I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. -Mitch HedbergDon’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.My life feels like a test I didn’t study for. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking. Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head. -Steven WrightI went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early. -Jack BennyFinally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.I don’t go crazy, I am crazy and I just go normal from time to time.What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? -Jerry SeinfeldI like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people. -Mitch HedbergI was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. -Steven WrightI live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there. -Steven WrightGoing to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -Billy SundayNever trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. -Laurell K HamiltonI did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. -Mark TwainA lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. -Winston S. ChurchillWhen life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. -Cathy GuisewiteAccept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. -Ellen DeGeneresIt’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. -Will RogersI came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. -Rodney DangerfieldThat’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. -George CarlinIf you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. -Lawrence FerlinghettiA pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. -George Bernard ShawI like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. -Fred AllenIf you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. -Steven Wright The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. -Gore VidalMy esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. -Jimmy Carter (US president 1977 to 1981)The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. -Albert EinsteinThe only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. -Mark TwainThe first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. -Joan RiversWhen nothing is going right, go left.Reality continues to ruin my life. -Bill WattersonNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -Phyllis DillerNever miss a good chance to shut up. -Will RogersSane is boring. -R.A. SalvatoreI’m addicted to placebos. -Steven WrightI’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money. -Pablo PicassoPuns are the highest form of literature. -Alfred HitchcockDo not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. -Elbert Hubbard
Funny quotes bring out the hilarious side of life. Enjoy these funny quotes, a laugh and share…
Some funny quotes are short quotes to make you laugh at any time. These funny quotes are by the funniest people in the world.
