FUNNY QUOTES

Funny quotes bring out the hilarious side of life. Enjoy these funny quotes, a laugh and share…

Some funny quotes are short quotes to make you laugh at any time. These funny quotes are by the funniest people in the world.

All generalizations are false, including this one.
-Mark Twain
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
-Steven Wright
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
-Mitch Hedberg
Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.
-Steven Wright
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
-Jack Benny
Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.
Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.
I don’t go crazy, I am crazy and I just go normal from time to time.
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
-Jerry Seinfeld
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
-Mitch Hedberg
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
-Steven Wright
I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.
-Steven Wright
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
-Billy Sunday
Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.
-Laurell K Hamilton
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
-Mark Twain
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
-Winston S. Churchill
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
-Cathy Guisewite
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
-Ellen DeGeneres
It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.

 

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
-Will Rogers
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.
-Rodney Dangerfield

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
-George Carlin
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
-Lawrence Ferlinghetti
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
-George Bernard Shaw
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
-Fred Allen
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
-Steven Wright
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.
-Gore Vidal
My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.
-Jimmy Carter (US president 1977 to 1981)
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
-Albert Einstein
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
-Mark Twain
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
-Joan Rivers
When nothing is going right, go left.
Reality continues to ruin my life.
-Bill Watterson
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-Phyllis Diller
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
-Will Rogers
Sane is boring.
-R.A. Salvatore
I’m addicted to placebos.
-Steven Wright
I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.
-Pablo Picasso
Puns are the highest form of literature.
-Alfred Hitchcock
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
-Elbert Hubbard

Funny quotes bring out the hilarious side of life. Enjoy these funny quotes, a laugh and share…

Some funny quotes are short quotes to make you laugh at any time. These funny quotes are by the funniest people in the world.

GO TO MAIN PAGE OF QUOTES

PREVIOUS

NEXT

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

*